I’m an unusual figure who stands above the crowd when I’m on stilts. I’m a physicist who practices patent law and translates dead languages into computer-readable code. I’m also a circus performer. I specialize in Chinese pole, aerial silks, trapeze, and I can do some hand-balancing tricks if properly coaxed. I’m one of only a few people in the world who can do the infamous flag circle. I was Mel Gibson’s butt double in Braveheart. I have more upper-body strength than Stephen Hawking, better fashion sense than Lady Gaga, and I once fought Chuck Norris in a battle of wits (I won, of course). I have a black belt in the deadly kitchen fighting arts, including tofu and cookie dough.

I enjoy having fun. I can accurately predict the exact time and location of the local psychic fair. I am a three-time champion of the Vatican’s frog-tossing competition. I own the registered copyright for the registered copyright symbol. Weather forecasts do not apply to me. Linguists swoon over my ability to create clichés. I’m a master of all trades and a jack of none.

I teach whirling dervishes how to whirl. Mathematicians are impressed with how I frolic, and all my bills are paid on time. Once I memorized the entire human genome and sang it to the tune of Stairway to Heaven. My figure skating skills are well known in Ethiopia. I was awarded the Nobel Prize in absurdity, I received an Academy Award for Best Audience Member, and I got a Grammy for not being Britney Spears.